========================================================================== NOTICE: - Deslea's URL is now http://www.deslea.com or http://fiction.deslea.com. - Email address is now deslea@deslea.com. - Don't archive, it's not worth it. This information supercedes all other information found in this file. ========================================================================== Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? An XF Primer *G* 1/1 Deslea R. Judd drjudd@primus.com.au drjudd@catholic.org Copyright 1998 DISCLAIMER This work is based on The X Files, a creation of Chris Carter owned by him, Twentieth Century Fox, and Ten-Thirteen Productions. All characters mentioned remain the intellectual property of those parties and are used without their consent and without commercial gain. Spoilers: To mid-Season 5, but you probably just won't get the jokes if you haven't seen the eps. Category: Humour. Rating: G for generally silly. Summary: Characters answer the age-old question. Fan mail is always appreciated!!! My e-mail is drjudd@primus.com.au or drjudd@catholic.org. Archivists, feel free to add this to your collections; but be sure to let me know. This and my other stories may be found at http://home.primus.com.au/drjudd (shameless plug). Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? An XF Primer *G* 1/1 Deslea R. Judd drjudd@primus.com.au drjudd@catholic.org Copyright 1998 Why did the chicken cross the road? FOX MULDER: You saw the chicken cross the road. How many chickens do you have to see to believe it? DANA SCULLY: Mulder, there's no evidence to suggest that the chicken was on the other side of the road before it got to this side. In fact, I think if you compare a chicken's average speed with the average speed and frequency of traffic on the road you will find that it's almost impossible for //any// chicken to have crossed it! WALTER SKINNER (1): Agent Mulder, do you have //any// forensic evidence to suggest an alternative suggestion to the one that Agent Scully has proposed? WALTER SKINNER (2): Agent Scully, I don't //care// why the chicken crossed the road. The fact is, it did, and Agent Mulder is being blamed. Since he can't be located, we have been called before the Office of Professional Conduct to explain ourselves. Now if you know anything about the chicken //or// your partner's whereabouts, you'd better start talking. WALTER SKINNER (3): Now listen here, you black-lunged son of a bitch, I want that chicken on my desk within twenty-four hours, or I'll suddenly remember what I did with Albert Hosteen's phone number. Sure, I forgot about it when you had me shot and killed my wife and tried to frame me for Blevins, but Kimberley's probably got it somewhere. CANCERMAN (1): Mr Mulder, I've known that chicken since before you were born. CANCERMAN (2): Mr Mulder, that chicken is your half-brother. Which means, incidentally, that it's a rooster. DEEP THROAT: Those chickens have been on the other side of the road for a very long time. X: SRSG. MARITA COVARRUBIUS: Mr Mulder, there are those of us who believe in you...believe in your work. I can help you with diplomatic papers to cross that road. ALEX KRYCEK: Mulder, I want that chicken as much as you do! D.O.D. MICHAEL (REDUX): There is no chicken, Agent Mulder. It was all part of an elaborate hoax on the part of the US Govenment to perpetuate a lie. FROHIKE: Agent Scully, if you'd allow me to take you to dinner, I could share with you my theories about the chicken's motivations. BYERS: I entered the chicken's co-ordinates into a weather bureau database and found they coincided with some unusual weather patterns in the vicinity. Using a shareware program I downloaded from the Net, I was able to then compare those patterns with El Nino and ascertain a common cause. LANGLY: Those chickens have a very finely tuned sense of direction. Did you know that chickens will go crazy and peck one another to death if you turn their cages around? TOOMS: What do I care? Chicken livers would get me through, what, the final episode of Seinfeld? BOUNTY HUNTER (1): If I tell you, Agent Mulder, can you die in peace? BOUNTY HUNTER (2): If I tell you, Agent Mulder, can you just die? SAMANTHA: Fox, what do I care? See, this is why I left home. You're too damn weird. MELISSA SCULLY: The chicken was finding its own path. But it's not the path that counts, it's the poultry you meet along the way. DUANE BARRY: No-one's gonna tell Duane Barry that chicken didn't cross the road, no, sir. GRAY HAIRED MAN: Don't ask me, I'm just the assassin. BILL SCULLY: Who wants to know? That Mulder guy? MELISSA EPHESIAN (TFWID): This is the field where I watched it fly. FATHER McCUNE (SCULLY'S PRIEST): Dana, your faith can help you with these questions. MAGGIE SCULLY: Honey, why don't you tell me about it? MAGGIE SCULLY (5 MINUTES LATER): Bill, Dana's working on something I think you should know about... BILL SCULLY (NEXT TIME HE SEES HER): Dana, Mom told me about the chicken. EDDIE VAN BLUNDHT (SMALL POTATOES): Good NIGHT! THIS is where my tax dollars go? DR BENITA CHAYRNE-SAYRRE (TERMA): It had to leave. It didn't belong here! I called it a taxi. JERALDINE KALLENCHUK (PIPER MARU): He wanted to get to the other side - pardon my gender type. DETECTIVE MANNERS (JOSE CHUNG): Bleep! BLAINE FAULKENER (JOSE CHUNG): I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn something about chickens. Plus, courtesy of Stefanie Wine: TEENA MULDER: The chicken? Oh Fox. Why are you bringing this up again? It happened so very long ago. JEFF SPENDER: Why did the chicken cross the road? I'll find out but keep Mulder off this case,you understand me? ROBERT MODELL: Why did---cerulean blue---the chicken cross the road---like a gentle breeze---kill the chicken---very relaxing--eat the chicken... HOLLY: I don't know why it crossed the road but it was like there was something in his head. It was so sorry that it did it, sir, so sorry sir. Courtesy of Shannon O'Connor: PHOEBE GREEN: To commit an indiscretion atop Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's tombstone. CASSANDRA SPENDER: THEY were calling it, and THEY're coming back for it again. DR WERBER (RED&BLACK): It had undergone hypno-regression therapy and recovered its memories of its life on the other side of the road. JOHN LEE ROCHE (PAPER HEARTS): Bring me the rest of my hearts and maybe I'll tell you. ED JERSE (NEVER AGAIN): Its tattoo told it to. CLYDE BRUCKMAN: How should I know? THE STUPENDOUS YAPPI (JOSE CHUNG): It felt ... inadequate ... az a chicken ... it believed ... zomething better was there, across ze road ... LEONARD BETTS: The other side of the road had something it needed ... THE CONUNDRUM (HUMBUG):Must have been something I ate. MR NUTT (HUMBUG): Why would you make such an assumption about a chicken? Just because he's a chicken, he *has* to be crossing the road? Why, suppose I took one look at you, your intense scrutiny of your computer screen, your interest in this story, and *assumed* you were a fan of X-files fan fiction? Just my silly fun...by all means, join in! END BY THE SAME AUTHOR: Offspring (Scully/Skinner, XF, mytharc novel, Piper Maru backstory) On The Outside (mini-novel, Offspring prequel, mytharc, Sam/other, Colony backstory) One Endless Night (Skinner/Scully, some mytharc Colony to Emily) The Field Where My Love Died (TFWID vignette, implied MSR) The Field Where My Love Prevailed (TFWID vignette, implied MSR) A Soul, Unbound (Emily vignette, missing scene, Scullyangst) A Teletubby X File (Humour, story, XF/Teletubbies crossover) Borderline (unfinished mini-novel, MSR, some Sc/Sk) Lyrics of the Heart (unfinished mini-novel, MSR, characters die, lotsa karaoke) Smokin' Maggie (unfinished mini-novel, mytharc, MSR, not yet available) Evolutions (unfinished novel, not yet available, Offspring sequel, mytharc, Sk/Sc, Samantha, Redux backstory)