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A Family Affair
Deslea R. Judd
DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine. Interpretation mine.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just keep my name and headers.
SPOILERS/TIMEFRAME: *snork* Riiiiiiiiiight.
CATEGORY/KEYWORDS: Weird-ass humour/parody, Krycek/Marita,
crossover (Addams Family).
SUMMARY: "Do come in," Morticia said. "Mind the booby-traps."
Alex and Marita looked at one another and shared a moment of
understanding. Clearly, their neighbours were their kind of
DEDICATION: For Sybil, who asked for it, and Mish - both of
whose names are taken in vain.
MORE FIC: http://fiction.deslea.com
FEEDBACK: Love the stuff. firstname.lastname@example.org.
AWARDS/ELIGIBILITY: Spooky Awards 2003 eligible. Recommended by
the Enigmatic Doctor.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Marita
and a dark, somewhat misunderstood prince named Alex. They fell
in love, but were cruelly parted when she was possessed by a
puddle of evil black gunk. Alex was weak of heart and stricken
with wounded pride, and he did not help her, and he was punished.
During his imprisonment in a distant land, he came to understand
his weakness and folly, and repented. Marita pulled herself out
of the gunk, as modern princesses do, and they were eventually
Well, love prevailed, as it always does in stories of this kind,
and they married, and moved into a big dark house in a land of
gray. They liked it that way. They had only one set of
neighbours, and they, too, seemed to keep to themselves. So Alex
and Marita were able to immerse themselves in their love and in
caring for their home.
In the fullness of time, Marita gave birth to two beautiful
children, and they resigned themselves to the necessity of
getting to know their neighbours. They had noted the presence of
two rather odd children who played in the vicinity. The girl had
long black braids, and the boy was short and squat. For lack of
names, Alex and Marita spoke of them as Samantha and Gibson, for
they resembled children they once knew. So they did as civilised
princes and princesses do, and called their neighbours on the
telephone and invited them to come to tea. It was all very
agreeable, and their neighbours in fact invited them to their
home instead. Alex and Marita graciously agreed, and so it was
They informed their children of the existence of their
prospective playmates. Princess Mish clapped her hands in
delight. "Oh, what a lark! We shall have a whale of a time."
Prince Redwyne groaned and said that the sooner her Enid Blyton
books were supplanted by real live playmates, the better. Alex
and Marita were forced to concur.
The great day arrived. The regal family walked up the hill to
the bleak and desolate home of their neighbours. "What did you
say their name was, Alex?" Marita enquired.
"Addams," he replied. Then, because he was wise in the ways of
the world, he continued, "They didn't show up on IRS records. It
may be an alias."
"You're armed, I presume."
"Of course, my love." And they stopped and played sucky face
until Prince Redwyne and Princess Mish groaned and told them to
get a room. Marita informed them that she was not amused. Prince
Redwyne, who was momentarily afflicted with contrivance, said
that of course she was not a muse, she was his mom.
"Why, good afternoon!" their hostess greeted them. "I'm
Morticia, and these are my children, Wednesday and Pugsley. Do
come in. Mind the booby-traps." Alex and Marita looked at one
another and shared a moment of understanding. Clearly, their
neighbours were their kind of people.
The afternoon was very agreeable. The house was elegant, with
its black roses and its weapons displays. There was a momentary
misunderstanding about the butler, who resembled a bounty hunter
they had once known, but the gentleman was most understanding,
and even wiped the blood from Alex's weapon before returning it.
Alex drank brandy with Morticia's husband, Gomez, and the two
retired to the study to throw knives. Prince Redwyne and Princess
Mish showed the Addams children how they could bleed green gas,
and Marita related the adventure of the black gunk to Morticia.
Morticia was most interested.
"Oh, my dear," Morticia said at last, "you do seem to have it
all. Your dark prince, such lovely children, memories of torture.
Your life seems quite complete."
Marita sighed. "Very nearly. There is only one grief, you know."
"What is that, dear?"
"There are moments - intimate moments, you understand - when I
so wish my dark prince still had both his hands." For Alex had
mislaid one of his in an Unfortunate Incident some years before.
Morticia thought for a moment. "Do you know, I may be able to
help you with that. Oh Lurch," she called, "could you send Thing
downstairs?" The butler murmured his assent and disappeared.
"Thing?" Marita enquired. "What is Thing?"
"Oh, Thing is a very treasured part of our family. Gomez found
him when we holidayed in Siberia. A strange thing, you know. A
disembodied hand, quite smart, all healed over at the wrist. I
mean, how often does one find those? The man we bought him from
said he was possessed by something called the Black Cancer. Well,
that only increased his value. We persuaded him to accept triple
the price. Of course, since he was free to begin with, that was
quite a good strategy on Gomez's part. Strange man, you know.
Seemed quite glad to be rid of him."
"How odd," Marita said. "I should think such a thing would be
quite an asset. We sell bio-intelligence, you know."
Morticia looked gratified. "You know, I told Gomez you were our
kind of people." She looked up. "Why, Thing! What is it?"
Marita turned towards the doorway. Indeed, there was a hand
there. It was white and trembling. She gasped. "Alex?" she
whispered. She would know that hand anywhere.
Thing needed no further encouragement. He skampered across the
room and bounded into Marita's lap, and latched firmly onto
Marita's breast. Marita sighed, but then she came to herself.
"Alex!" she chastised. "Not in front of the neighbours."
Reluctantly, Thing let go, but twined his fingers with hers.
Morticia was beaming with approval. "My dear, do you mean to
tell me- why, how providential!"
Marita grasped her new friend's hand with her free one. "You
really don't mind?"
"Oh, my dear, no. We've wanted to find a suitable mate for
Thing, you know. He has Fester, but it just isn't the same."
"No," Marita agreed. "And after all, we're neighbours."
Morticia shook her head. "Oh, no, my dear. We're family."
So Thing was reunited with Alex and Marita, and the children
found suitable playmates, and they all learned that truly, there
is someone in this world for everyone.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This piece of weird-ass crack was written for
the Haven's 'Tell Us a Story' Challenge. The challenge was to
write a fairytale (among other possibilities) including the
following elements. I originally wrote a serious piece, The
Hubris Of Theodora, but Sybil, who was on a Krycek/Marita kick,
asked for another with those two at the center. Coincidentally, I
ran across an old, funny discussion of dressing up our characters
for a Hallowe'en Ball, and...well...it all went from there.
something or someone getting, being or becoming organized